Posts Tagged ‘celeb satire’

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Both Have New Boyfriends After Split

Justin BieberJustin Bieber and Selena Gomez may have broken up but in the week since their split, both stars already have new special guys in their lives. Gomez has been seen around town holding hands with an unknown gentleman and Bieber has been seen with several young men.

Bieber was seen dancing at an LA Nightclub with “Twilight” star Taylor Lautner. Witnesses told us they were seen smooching before they left the club through the back exit and left in the back of a limo. The next day, the limo driver told us he spent over an hour steam cleaning stains from the backseats of the vehicle. He wouldn’t divulge what the stains were as he thought that would be a breach of the stars’ privacy.

Lautner wasn’t the only guy Bieber seemingly got it on with. Openly gay “Lord of the Rings” star Ian McKellen told BS Gossip that he had an intimate encounter with the young singer. He said, “I don’t want to give too many details as I don’t want to affect Justin’s reputation. All I will say is that his bum is even smoother than I thought it would be.”

We asked Selina Gomez how she felt about her ex fooling around with various men so soon after their break-up. She said, “We’re not together anymore so he can do whatever he wants. As long as he stays away from Taylor Lautner ‘cause his ass in mine!” We won’t tell her if you won’t.

Adele to Reenact Baby’s Birth on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”

AdeleDid the announcement that Adele had given birth surprise you? If you had no clue that Adele was pregnant, you’re not alone; Adele had no idea she was carrying a baby either!

The pop singer will appear in an upcoming episode of the reality show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” reenacting her surprise birth.

When asked who the father was, the singer said, “It could be my ex Daryl, Mo, the lead set designer from my UK tour or any of the 30 or so other blokes I had sex with in-between them.

While most reenactments of births on the show occur on the toilet with a surprise “number 3″ plopping into the bowl, Adele’s birth took place in a hotel room right after having sex with one of the many possible fathers of her probable second unexpected child.

BS Gossip has learned that Adele is working on two songs based on her experiences giving birth. One of the songs is titled “What the f—k is that thing?” and the other one is called “Are you f—king kidding Me? Mother f—ker!”

In other news, BBC just announced the singer would also be appearing on the BBC reality show, “Let’s Wash that Potty Mouth Out With Soap.”

Exclusive! Lance Armstrong Exchanged Left Nut for Steroids

Lance ArmstrongIn the wake of Lance Armstrong’s doping controversy, the cyclist has lost a Nike sponsorship, may lose his medals and he has even had to step down from his post of chairman of his Livestrong cancer charity. Now BS Gossip has learned that the former champion traded his left nut in exchange for steroids.

Many years ago, Armstrong approached respected steroid dealer Pump Pimp Yo about purchasing drugs. Pimp Yo told us that when Armstrong asked what the drugs would cost him, he joked, “Everything you got plus your left nut.” Surprisingly, Armstrong shook Pimp Yo’s hand and said they had a deal. He paid the dealer millions and mailed him his left testicle through Fed Ex.

Pimp Yo told us that he didn’t know Armstrong would be having his left testicle surgically removed as part of his cancer treatment and wouldn’t be needing it anyway. He said, “But then, he did cheat America so it shouldn’t surprise anyone he cheated his dealer too.”

Pimp Yo, who has now moved into the lucrative pot Read the rest of this entry »

Hundreds of Hulk Hogan Gay Sex Tapes Surface

Hulk HoganNot long after a sex tape of Hulk Hogan was leaked, Hogan is on the defensive once again as hundreds of videos have been leaked featuring him in his underwear in various forms of intimacy with other scantily clad men.

In the videos, filmed mostly in the 80s and 90s, we see the bodies of Hogan and his male companions slathered with oil and aggressively caressing each other and experimenting with various different positions. The sexual activities, many violent and involving S&M, were performed in front of a cheering audience, which increases the perversity of Hogan’s actions. Various websites and newspapers have referred to the videos as “pretty gay.”

Hogan’s publicist responded to the leaked videos. “Hulk isn’t proud of the actions portrayed in the videos. They occurred in the past however and he Read the rest of this entry »

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber Set New Trend By Vomiting on Stage

Lady GagaIn the last two weeks, music superstars Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga have both vomited on stage during live performances. Both stars continue to be more popular than ever and now other artists feel they need to follow suit if they want to remain relevant.

At a charity fundraiser show Tuesday night where Justin Bieber was singing, Kanye West marched on stage during the opening number. He grabbed the microphone and said, “Yo Justin, I’m really happy for you, and I’ll let you finish, but I had one of the best hurls of all time!!” Kanye then spewed out what looked like a mix of Gatorade and tacos all over Bieber. The audience ate it up. Literally, they ate up the vomit left on the stage. Even Bieber’s vomit didn’t garner that much affection, though chunks of that were offered for sale on Ebay.

Taylor Swift tried to follow the popular trend but had difficulties vomiting on stage. She said, “I put two fingers down my throat just before my second number but I gagged really quickly and couldn’t do it.” After the failed vomiting attempt, ticket sales for her upcoming shows have been very low and shows may have to be canceled. Swift responded to that news by saying, “I feel like I let down my fans. I’d consider writing a song about the ordeal if I didn’t have so many ex-boyfriends Read the rest of this entry »

Sunkist Sues Jersey Shore Cast For Using Copyrighted Shade of Orange

Jersey Shore orangeThe cast of Jersey Shore faces a lawsuit as they prepare for their final season of the popular MTV show. A spokesperson for Sunkist announced that the company is suing the stars and producers of the show for the use of their copyrighted shade of orange.

Sunkist spokesperson and health guru, Dr. Liz Applegate, held a press conference to announce the lawsuit. She told reporters that the company felt they had no other option since the Jersey Shore cast blatantly displays the color of their oranges on their bodies. “If this was just a matter of Sunkist orange faces and hands, we might be able to let this go but the cast of Jersey Shore wears very little clothing so we feel they are blatantly giving the finger to our copyright ownership.”

Jersey Shore creator, SallyAnne Salsano, is confused by the lawsuit. “I won’t lie. It’s not a coincidence the skin of our cast is that shade of orange. The tanning salon the cast goes to purposely uses Sunkist oranges as a base for the cast’s tans. But our hair department also uses Pam cooking oil to grease the men’s hair and you don’t see Pam suing us!”

BS Gossip talked to Gary Rodkin, President and CEO of ConAgra Foods, the parent company of Pam. Rodkin told us that he is aware Read the rest of this entry »

Lindsay Lohan Alleges Man Broke into Hotel Suite and Stole Her Career

Lindsay Lohan 1Lindsay Lohan called the police yesterday to report that a man had broken into her hotel room and stolen her career.

Lohan met the alleged thief in a hotel nightclub in New York. Lohan claims that the man followed her back to her hotel, barged into her room and stole her career. Lohan said, “I used to have a successful career that most actresses would kill for! I had it before and now it’s gone so that guy must have stolen it! I hope they throw this guy behind bars and throw away the key.”

The New York Police Department arrested the man and charged him with theft but released him and dropped the charges shortly after. An NYPD spokesperson told the press that there was no evidence that Lohan has had a career in the last few years so it’s not realistic a man she just met could have stolen it.

Lohan said, “I’m furious as hell they let that scum go! Of course I had a career yesterday… my face is plastered all over the internet almost every day! But I tried to log onto my computer after that thief came to my room and nothing would come up. So there you go… I’m all anyone is talking about earlier in the week and now there’s nothing about me on the internet at all!”

A member of the hotel told us, “We had an interruption with our wi-fi connection that day. It’s fixed now and I’m sure if Miss Lohan checks Read the rest of this entry »

Iran Boycotts Oscars To Avoid Offending Americans With Anti-Jesus Movie

Academy AwardThis week Iran announced that it would boycott the 2013 Academy Awards and not submit an Iranian film into the competition for the Best Foreign Film category. Last year’s Iranian film “A Separation” won the coveted award however this year they fear the selected film may offend and upset Americans.

The film, titled “An Angry Savior,” follows a resurrected Jesus Christ who travels to New York City and preys upon newborn babies to feed his lust for blood. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, said that while he found the film entertaining and quite humorous, Americans would likely find it offensive and offending Americans is the last thing Iran wants to do. “To take a man that so many people worship and make a mockery out of him is shameful. We don’t want to bring any more attention to this film so we have decided not to participate in this year’s competition. And the man who made this hilarious but despicable film is awaiting death-by-stoning, along with the lowest scum of the earth; murderers and women drivers.”

“What we feared,” Ahmadinejad told us, “is that the film would incite violence and chaos in America once screening discs were viewed by Academy members.” He said, “We imagine that as soon as the film would be viewed in America Read the rest of this entry »

Peter Dinklage Refuses to Give Michael J. Fox Standing Ovation at Emmys

Peter DinklageWhen actor and Parkinson’s sufferer Michael J. Fox spoke at the 2012 Emmy Awards, everyone in the audience was seen rising to their feet to give him a well-deserved standing ovation. Everyone except one man – “Game of Thrones” actor and little person, Peter Dinklage.

Emmys host Jimmy Kimmel was shocked when he saw Peter Dinklage on the big screen appearing to be sitting when all of his peers were rising to their feet. “I was appalled. Michael is an inspiration to all of us. Does Peter think because he’s a little person, that excuses him for not giving another man with a disability kudos for his struggle? Not cool!”

Michael J. Fox himself was also taken aback. “To be honest, the standing ovation was a bit much. I was just presenting an award; I didn’t win anything. But when everyone in the room rose to their feet for me, it felt good – until I realized I didn’t see Peter standing in front of his seat. For Gods sake, the man also has a disability and he won’t even pander to mine?”

BS Gossip caught up to Dinklage after the show and asked him why he didn’t rise to his feet for Fox. His face suddenly got red and he said Read the rest of this entry »

Breaking Medical News! Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes Are D.I.T.S.

Lindsay and AmandaDNA tests from Lindsay Lohan after her latest hit and run incident revealed the actress suffers from a rare medical disorder and is a Driver Irregularity Tailgate Sufferer (DITS). The main symptoms of being a DITS are for its sufferers to drive irrationally, hit other vehicles and then flee the scene. DNA tests have also revealed that accident-prone actress Amanda Bynes also may be a DITS and that she might have even picked up the disorder from Lohan herself.

As BS Gossip previously reported, Lohan and Bynes both graduated from driving school at the Disneyland Theme Park’s bumper car rides. A Disneyland employee told us that after they got their drivers’ certificates laminated by Mickey Mouse, the two girls shared a milkshake to celebrate.

A doctor we spoke with said that since Bynes was relatively normal at the time, it’s not that farfetched that she caught the disorder from Lohan when they drank from the same straw. The doctor added, “Since it’s Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, it’s scary to think what other diseases poor Amanda picked up when they shared that milkshake.”

Lohan and Bynes were both arrested this week for yet Read the rest of this entry »