Iran Boycotts Oscars To Avoid Offending Americans With Anti-Jesus Movie

Academy AwardThis week Iran announced that it would boycott the 2013 Academy Awards and not submit an Iranian film into the competition for the Best Foreign Film category. Last year’s Iranian film “A Separation” won the coveted award however this year they fear the selected film may offend and upset Americans.

The film, titled “An Angry Savior,” follows a resurrected Jesus Christ who travels to New York City and preys upon newborn babies to feed his lust for blood. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, said that while he found the film entertaining and quite humorous, Americans would likely find it offensive and offending Americans is the last thing Iran wants to do. “To take a man that so many people worship and make a mockery out of him is shameful. We don’t want to bring any more attention to this film so we have decided not to participate in this year’s competition. And the man who made this hilarious but despicable film is awaiting death-by-stoning, along with the lowest scum of the earth; murderers and women drivers.”

“What we feared,” Ahmadinejad told us, “is that the film would incite violence and chaos in America once screening discs were viewed by Academy members.” He said, “We imagine that as soon as the film would be viewed in America Read the rest of this entry »

Romney: A Vote for Obama is a Vote Against Breaking Bad

Romney and ObamaAs Mitt Romney slides in the polls, he has changed the political narrative from the economy to popular TV shows. This morning, the Republican leader told customers at an Arizona IHOP that if Barack Obama is reelected, TV shows like Breaking Bad might never make it to the air.

The popular AMC TV show “Breaking Bad” follows physics teacher Walter White, who is diagnosed with cancer. When his healthcare bill isn’t covered, he turns to a life of selling meth. Romney told the crowd that had Obama been President at the time “Breaking Bad” was created, Walter’s hospital bills would have been covered by Obamacare. “There would be no need for Walter to turn to crime since his bills would be covered and the show we all love would never have existed!” Romney went on to suggest some potentially fantastic TV shows may never be created due to Obama’s failed policies.

Obama didn’t take this suggestion lying down. The President responded by saying, “Romney is obviously not a real fan of the show. Otherwise, he would know that Walter White didn’t just turn to a life of crime to pay his hospital bills but also to raise money for his family in case he succumbed to the cancer. So saying my health care plan would have killed ‘Breaking Bad’ is ridiculous. Nice try Mitt, but the American people are smarter than you think. I guarantee that if I’m reelected, there will no shortage of terrific TV shows created.”

After hearing the President’s response, Romney, took the fight a step further. “It’s funny hearing the President say his policy wouldn’t affect great TV shows from being created. This is a President that supports abortion. If he was president in the late 60s, the mother of the ‘Breaking Bad’ creator, Vince Gilligan, could Read the rest of this entry »

Gay Chickens Heighten Chick-Fil-A Controversy

Chick-Fil-AThe most politically heated conversation this election season is in regards to chicken fast-food chain Chick-Fil-A. After Chick-Fil-A President Dan Cathy stated he is adamantly against same-sex marriage and only supports marriage as the Bible defines it, same-sex supporters started a boycott of the chain while those against same-sex marriage have supported the restaurant chain like never before. But now everything has flipped on its head after the discovery of gay chickens being raised for the Chick-Fil-A menu.

The discovery was made by a worker at one of Chick-Fil-A’s chicken farms, where the company raises chickens for their menu. The worker, who wishes to remain anonymous as he is working in the US illegally, told us that he noticed two hens necking in the corner of their cage. “These two hens obviously loved each other very much. It was quite beautiful. But I know what’s going on with the protests so I told my manager and he called Mr. Cathy. Mr. Cathy said it wasn’t natural and wanted the hens to see a priest to repent their sins but by the time we got back, the batch of chickens the loving couple were part of had been slaughtered.”

When word spread that Chick-Fil-A was serving homosexual chickens on its menu, the anti-gay marriage activists who lined up outside stores were irate and the crowd quickly dispersed. Mike Huckabee, Fox News Read the rest of this entry »

Addicted Gamers Furious at Angry Birds

Angry BirdsThe lives of millions of people around the world are consumed by the extremely addictive game “Angry Birds.” Until now, addicts have been able to turn off their smart phones to escape their addiction at home but the announcement that “Angry Birds” will be available to play on home video game consoles is enraging fans!

An “Angry Birds” addict, who asked to be named only as “Dave,” told us the announcement is a slap in the face to addicts like himself. “I lost my job because I couldn’t stop playing the game on my smart phone at the office. I play 14 hours a day as it is and my only respite is watching Blu-rays in the evenings. Even when I’m watching movies, if I see a pig on the screen, it takes everything out of me not to slingshot the remote at my TV. But now, when I put a Blu-ray into my PS3, I don’t know if I will have the will power to not click on the ‘Angry Birds’ icon and spend the small remainder of my free time pandering to my addiction.”

Morris Kennedy is a stay-at-home dad. His wife takes his iPhone with her to work during the day so he can focus on caring for the kids. But now that “Angry Birds” is coming to home video game consoles, he fears drastic consequences. “What is my wife supposed to do? Unplug the XBOX every morning and take it to work with her in her purse? It won’t fit in her purse! I’m going to have to sit down with my wife and Read the rest of this entry »