Johnny Depp Splits with Vanessa Paradis… to Wed Tim Burton

Depp and BurtonBoth happy and sad news are being reported in Hollywood today. The sad news is that after fourteen years and two kids together, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are separating. The happy news is Depp now plans to marry Tim Burton!

After years of being one of the most powerful couples in Hollywood, President Barack Obama’s change of heart on legal same-sex marriage has finally prompted Depp to leave longtime partner Paradis to marry Burton, who he calls his soul mate.

When asked how much he loves Burton, Depp replied, “I’d do anything for him. ANYTHING! Whether he wants me to paint my face white, scotchtape knives to my fingers or sing ballads while slitting a man’s throat in a barber chair, I’ll do it! And I’ll tell you that sure does spice things up when we role play!”

Burton, who has also left his long-time partner, Helena Bonham Carter, is planning to throw an elaborate wedding. He told us, “I’m thinking lots of 3D cardboard Read the rest of this entry »

Adam Sandler Pledges To Only Make Bad Movies Going Forward

Adam SandlerExecutives at Sony Pictures may not have been smiling after “That’s My Boy” came in fifth in its first weekend in theaters and brought in a measly $13 Million, and they sure weren’t after hearing Adam Sandler’s new business plan – to make only bad movies going forward.

Sandler told us that like James Cameron’s recent announcement that he will only make “Avatar” movies going forward, he’s moving ahead with what people expect from him – only bad movies. He explained, “I made a couple great films in my career. But people don’t go to Adam Sandler movies to see intelligent and sophisticated films like ‘Jack & Jill’ or ‘Little Nicky’. They want poop jokes. And fart jokes. And more poop jokes. And from here on out, that’s what they’re going to get.”

Sandler is already planning his next stinker, “Been There, Dung That,” about a father of two who switches bodies with a dog turd. “It’s going to be especially terrible,” Sandler told us, “since this happens just after his wife dies. He needs to train the turd how to be the great dad he never was so it can Read the rest of this entry »

Michael Fassbender’s Shlong to Direct “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Michael FassbenderIt’s official. After much speculation about who will direct the first movie adaptation of the hot & erotic “Fifty Shades of Grey” series of books, Universal Pictures and Focus Features have announced that Michael Fassbender’s shlong will direct the film.

While Michael Fassbender has been a rising star in Hollywood, giving commanding performances in blockbusters like “X-Men: First Class” and critical darlings such as “Jane Eyre” and “A Dangerous Method,” his shlong has only made a few cameo appearances in “Shame.” But it was those cameos in Shame that got media attention, not the actor’s performance. Universal CEO and Focus Features President James Schamus said, “When people came out of ‘Shame,’ they weren’t talking about the movie or the acting – they were talking about Fassbender’s shlong. How could we ignore that?”

Fassbender’s shlong has no previous directing experience however its experience in the subject matter presented in “50 Shades of Grey” is nothing short of legend.

Schamus talked to BS Gossip about how the choice was made. “Choosing the right director for the project was a big decision and we thought about it long and hard. It took us great lengths before we came to the decision we did. We Read the rest of this entry »

Movie Buffs Angry Over Loss of Lower Quality Film Projectors

This week it was announced that movie theaters projecting movies on traditional film projectors is coming to an end. All movie theaters across the United States will have their theaters converted to only screen movies digitally by 2015. Understandably, film enthusiasts are outraged over losing the inferior technology.

Trent Burber loves film and is on the selection committee for the LA Film Festival. Burber told us that we’re losing something special. “Part of the experience of seeing a movie in the theater is the look and feel of watching movies on real film – the shakiness, the little blips, the scratch lines down the right hand-side of the screen, movies that are a bit out of focus… these are all things filmgoers will no longer be able to enjoy. If you want perfection, you’ll have it but I’d rather a crappy experience at the theater than perfection any day.”

Retired film reviewer Bill Larson fondly remembers growing up watching movies played on film projectors. “Once in a while, the tape would break Read the rest of this entry »

Man Fired After Coming up Blank for SW & the Huntsman Porn Spoof Title

Snow WhiteUp until recently, Derek Kwasky had one of the easiest jobs in America. He worked for Asme Adult Entertainment Inc. and his official title was “Movie Title Creator.” It was Derek’s job to come up with titles for all of Asme’s films, which were all spoofs of Hollywood blockbusters. But after 22 years of instantly being able to spew out multiple suggestions for porn spoof titles, he came up blank for the porn version of Snow White and the Huntsman.

Kwasky’s boss, adult film producer Tyrone Small, explained. “Snow White and the Huntsman was announced by Universal almost two years ago. Usually Derek would come up with a title in ten seconds flat. For Forest Gump, he came up with ten suggestions in less than a minute. We eventually went with Foreskin Gump. He was awesome at his job but for some reason, he had problems with Snow White. But in the adult movie industry, the title is often slapped onto the film after the movie is completed so Derek had over a year to come up with a title. But he just couldn’t do it.”

Small said that Kwasky had come up with hundreds of titles Read the rest of this entry »

What sunk the Battleship Movie? The Fantastic Board Game!

The big budget film “Battleship” brought in disappointing numbers in its debut weekend playing in North American theaters. It came in second after “Marvel’s The Avengers,” which in it’s third weekend brought in more than double what the board-game based action-flick had. Universal Studios, defending the quality of their alien-war ship film, claimed they don’t think any film could have overcome “The Avengers” in it’s third week.

However, Hasbro, the toy company that owns the rights to the board game, had another theory. Hasbro President and CEO Brian Goldner laughs off the notion that superheroes kept audiences away from the board game adaptation. He claims that audiences had a better reason to stay at home rather than go to the movie theaters to see “Battleship” – they were too busy playing the fantastic board game. Goldner explained, “Universal may want to blame another movie, but the truth couldn’t be more clear; families were too busy bombing each other’s battleships at home to go to the theater to watch someone else do it for them.” Goldner explained that Universal has been advertising the movie for months and while Read the rest of this entry »