Disney Buys LucasFilms to Expand American Graffiti Franchise

Hollywood is buzzing over Disney’s 4.5 billion dollar purchase of Lucasfilm. However industry insiders were surprised to learn that Disney has no plans to cash in on the Star Wars movies and instead intends to recoup their investment by milking Lucas’ “American Graffiti” and “THX 1138” franchises.

Talking to the press, Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger said that their theme parks would be expanded to include “American Graffiti” rides and “THX 1138” characters such as the popular SEN and SRT will also appear at the theme parks, posing for pictures with families and making kids’ dreams come true.

Iger stressed that Disney has no plans to do any more Star Wars movies. Iger told reporters, “Lucas lost all good will with the Star Wars fans with the dreadful prequels. I can’t imagine anyone paying to see another Star Wars after seeing Jar Jar Binks fill up the screen for three films. We have a better chance of recouping our investment by staying away from anything Star Wars related and just focusing on the popular ‘American Graffiti’ and ‘THX 1138’ properties.”

Iger was asked if Disney would at least continue to release the Star Wars movies on Blu-ray and DVD. Iger said Disney has no plans to do that. “Lucas has released so many versions of each movie over the years that most fans already have at least 8 copies of each movie. I can’t imagine us selling even one copy of a Star Wars film.”

Iger said that if Disney does one day decide Read the rest of this entry »

Cloud Atlas Producer Hoping Hurricane Sandy Will Save Box Office Take

Cloud AtlasThe ambitious big budget film “Cloud Atlas” had a dismal box office opening with $9.4 million in its opening weekend. However one of the film’s producers thinks there is one thing that could rescue the film from becoming a flop – Hurricane Sandy.

“Cloud Atlas” Producer Stefan Arndt hopes the hurricane that is hitting the East Coast will strengthen the take for the film. He told us, “People are going to need places to find shelter. I’m sure many of those people will flock to movie theaters and ‘Cloud Atlas’ is the obvious choice for storm dodgers since it’s the longest film playing right now with a running time of almost three hours! I’m thinking some people will watch it three or four times in a row so they can stay in the theaters during the storm.”

We asked Arndt if he thought the star-studded cast consisting of Tom Hanks and Halle Berry could also help the film recoup their investment. He said, “No, if people cared about the cast, the movie would have done better opening weekend. I place all my hope in people being forced to watch the film in exchange for Read the rest of this entry »

Iran Boycotts Oscars To Avoid Offending Americans With Anti-Jesus Movie

Academy AwardThis week Iran announced that it would boycott the 2013 Academy Awards and not submit an Iranian film into the competition for the Best Foreign Film category. Last year’s Iranian film “A Separation” won the coveted award however this year they fear the selected film may offend and upset Americans.

The film, titled “An Angry Savior,” follows a resurrected Jesus Christ who travels to New York City and preys upon newborn babies to feed his lust for blood. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, said that while he found the film entertaining and quite humorous, Americans would likely find it offensive and offending Americans is the last thing Iran wants to do. “To take a man that so many people worship and make a mockery out of him is shameful. We don’t want to bring any more attention to this film so we have decided not to participate in this year’s competition. And the man who made this hilarious but despicable film is awaiting death-by-stoning, along with the lowest scum of the earth; murderers and women drivers.”

“What we feared,” Ahmadinejad told us, “is that the film would incite violence and chaos in America once screening discs were viewed by Academy members.” He said, “We imagine that as soon as the film would be viewed in America Read the rest of this entry »

“Sparkle” Fails to Resurrect Whitney Houston’s Acting Career

Whitney HoustonIt’s been many years since Whitney Houston has performed for film, and she had hoped that this weekend’s release of “Sparkle” would invigorate her movie career. However after a so-so weekend box office, Houston has not been receiving the calls and offers she was hoping for.

Houston has had an outstanding singing career and in 1992, when she starred opposite Kevin Costner in the hit “The Bodyguard,” she followed that up with roles in a few more movies throughout the ‘90s. After that however, her use of drugs stunted her acting career. With her returning to acting in this weekend’s musical “Sparkle,” many insiders had speculated this would lead to a resurrection of Houston’s acting career. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem likely.

BS Gossip called Houston’s publicist, Kristen Foster, who told us that Houston has not received any offers to star or even audition for any more films. She screamed at us on the phone and called us “insensitive” and we got the impression that the lack of offers was a touchy subject for Houston’s team.

We desperately tried to contact Houston directly Read the rest of this entry »

Actresses Confused About How to Get Roles After Kristen Stewart Fired For Sleeping with Director

Kristen StewartActresses in film and theater have long been securing roles by sleeping with directors and producers. However, after Kristen Stewart was fired from the “Snow White and the Huntsman” sequel for having an affair with the director, women in film are concerned they will have to acquire talent to launch their careers in the future.

Misty Adams is a 19-year-old girl from Florida. After she graduated from high school, Misty and her mom packed up everything and moved to L.A in hopes that she could get a job as an actress. Adams has been hanging out in bars schmoozing with film executives hoping one of them will sleep with her and give her a starring role in a film or TV series in return. But after hearing about Stewart’s firing, she doesn’t think that technique is the sure thing it used to be. And her mother is furious. Misty’s mother said, “We packed up everything to come out here. And now we find out sleeping your way into a role isn’t an option anymore?! What’s my little Misty going to do now? She can’t act worth s—t!”

Film director Brett Ratner told us that even though the trend of selling your body to get a role seems to be coming to an end, he finds it disturbing that Stewart was fired. “Kristen fulfilled her part of the deal so it’s inexcusable that she didn’t benefit. If I sleep with an actress, I don’t care what the studio says. One way or another, I would make sure the contract our genitals signed with each other gets honored. But maybe I’m just a classier guy…”

Kristen Stewart herself talked to Read the rest of this entry »

Nick Stahl to Star in “Hide and Go Seek: The Movie”

Nick StahlRunning out of board games to adapt, Hollywood is preparing to produce feature films based on schoolyard games. Universal Pictures has announced that on-again off-again missing person Nick Stahl will star in their movie adaptation of “Hide and Go Seek.”

Ron Meyer, Universal Pictures President and COO, talked to BS Gossip about the new movie. He said, “We’re extremely proud to bring one of children’s favorite childhood games to the big screen. The complex script tells the story of a man who is not only a mastermind in hiding but also in seeking. And who has mastered the skill of hiding better than Nick Stahl?”

Stahl has been in the media regularly as his wife has reported him missing several times in the last few months. The actor’s trouble with substance abuse has been behind his disappearances but so far, the actor has returned home safely after each search. Meyer said that the studio plans on shooting the scenes where Stahl is hiding the next time he disappears. “When the character is hiding, Nick’s not on screen so we don’t need him. And when he comes back, we’ll shoot the seeking part of the movie. It really works out very nicely.”

Box office analysts say that adapting schoolyard games into films is a brilliant move, as unlike board games, which are owned by large Read the rest of this entry »

Michael Keaton Turns Down Batman Reboot to Do Jack Frost Sequel

Jack FrostAs Warner Bros. plans a reboot of the Batman series, following the release of the conclusion of the Dark Knight Trilogy, Michael Keaton has turned down an offer to reprise the lead role to focus on sequels to what he calls “better movies.”

The actor has said that at this point in his career, he doesn’t need the money so he only focuses on projects he thinks are top caliber. He told BS Gossip that he doesn’t believe Batman is as popular as some of the other characters he’s played such as Jack Frost, the man who is reincarnated into a snow man after dying in a tragic accident.

Keaton told BS Gossip that he is looking forward to starring in a sequel to “Jack Frost.” “Jack Frost is a character I think my fans are dying to see me come back to a lot more than the role of Batman, which is a kind of a silly character. Who would want to watch a grown man dressed up as a bat fight evil when you can see a man with a carrot nose try to win a sled race competition with his children?”

Other movie franchises that Keaton hopes to return Read the rest of this entry »

Joel Schumacher to Reboot Batman Movie Franchise

Batman_SchumacherWarner Bros. has long said that after “The Dark Knight Rises” concludes Chris Nolan’s Batman trilogy, they plan to reboot the franchise. However fans are shocked at the announcement about the man who’s been handed the job to do it – Joel Schumacher.

Warner Bros. made the surprise announcement on Tuesday morning, choosing the director who killed the last Batman series with his horrendous “Batman & Robin” to reboot the character once again. In the press release distributed today by Warner Bros., Warner President of Production said, “While many people consider Schumacher’s ‘Batman & Robin’ as a disaster, Schumacher’s two Batman movies did very well at the box office and that’s all we really care about. I can also assure fans that Schumacher has promised not to incorporate nipples onto the Bat costumes this time around and to have one of Batman’s greatest enemies as the villain in the first film; the notorious King Tut.”

Long-time Chicago Tribune movie reviewer Roger Ebert said the decision has convinced him to finally give up his passion for watching movies and focus his time on increasing his score on “Angry Birds Space.” Regarding Warner’s decision to have Schumacher take over the Batman series, he said, “This is Hollywood’s biggest blunder since casting Read the rest of this entry »

End of Comic Con Means End of Vacation for Normal People

Comic Con Batman FanAs this year’s Comic Con came to a close, fanboys from across North America returned home from a weekend of dressing up, meeting their heroes and socializing with others who share their interests. But it also meant the end of a restful, short vacation for everyone else.

When single mom Deirdre Furlong dropped her 22-year-old son, Colin, at the airport last week, she sighed with relief. She told us that she loves her son but having a few days every year without him rambling on about his geeky interests non-stop is a much needed vacation. “I love that he’s so into comics, movies and video games but for someone like me that doesn’t share his interests, it’s more than a bit of a headache. The week before he left for Comic Con, he was talking non-stop about someone named Cerebus. I thought he might have met an adventurous new friend or perhaps even a girl. It turned out that this Cerebus was nothing but an illustrated talking Aardvark. I’m not kidding. I couldn’t make that up.”

Vanessa Potter loves working with all her coworkers at Walmart, including Tyler Ozman. Potter told us that Tyler shares his love of Star Wars, Ninja Turtles and his other geeky obsessions every spare moment he’s not helping a customer. Potter said that although Tyler’s passion is admirable, it can be a bit frustrating when most of the coworkers have important things to worry about like relationships, college and finding a better company to work for than Walmart. She told us that Read the rest of this entry »

White Person Accidentally Watches Tyler Perry Movie

MadeaIt’s shocking to hear but it was something that was eventually bound to happen. Ten years’ after Tyler Perry’s first movie debuted in theaters, a white man has accidentally watched one of his movies.

Jake Peterson bought a ticket to go see “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” but walked into the wrong theatre. Peterson told us, “As soon as I sat down, I thought something wasn’t right. For a movie about a slave owner, there were a lot of African Americas in the audience. And then when the trailers played, I expected to see some previews of upcoming action movies but instead saw trailers for movies I’d never in a million years go to.”

When the movie started and the title came up on the screen, Peterson knew he was watching “Madea’s Witness Protection” but remained in his seat so he wouldn’t appear racist. While Peterson didn’t say he disliked the movie, he said it was hard for him to follow and he didn’t get any of the jokes. “Everyone was laughing and crying but I’m not sure how a man dressed in drag is particularly funny or how the soap opera love affairs were found moving. I guess it’s a black thing. And that’s cool… I just don’t get it myself.”

When Perry was told a white person had seen the movie, he couldn’t stop laughing. He said, “That’s hilarious! Poor guy. Obviously the movie wasn’t Read the rest of this entry »