Tom Cruise Searches for Love Online at Scientology Mingle Website

Tom CruiseIn recent months, past loves of Tom Cruise have been turning against him; Katie Holmes, his wife of six years, divorced him and recently, Nazanin Boniadi has given Vanity Fair magazine a damaging interview alleging she was vetted by the Church of Scientology to be his wife. However the star is intent on finding his true soul mate and has turned to a Scientology dating website to help him with his search.

Scientology Mingle’s PR Manager Jack Grind confirmed that Cruise has set up a profile on the site and that he has been active on it for the last couple of months. Grind said, “He’s been one of the most active users of the site since he registered with us. And why not? There are tens of thousands of lovely ladies looking for love in a relationship where their partner also worships the alien warlord Xenu.” When we asked what an average first date might be like be for a couple who meet on the website, he told us watching “Battlefield Earth” on DVD was a popular option. “But not because it’s based on a story written by Scientology’s founder. It’s because it’s so goddamn awful. The dating couple can yell at the screen and create their own ‘Mystery Science Theater’ experience. Though I don’t suggest that for couples wanting to end their date in the bedroom. Watching a giant John Travolta in dreads wouldn’t exactly get anyone in the mood, now would it?”

We asked Tom Cruise why he chose to try internet dating. He told us, “Obviously having the leaders of my organized religion recruit for me hasn’t exactly worked out. On a Scientology dating site, not only do I know all the women on the site also worship Xenu but I can specify exactly what I’m looking for. When the church was searching for women on my behalf, they always set me up with woman a couple inches taller than me. Well, no more. I’ve set up Scientology Mingle to only display woman who are at least a foot taller than me. So no more shorties for Mr. Tom Cruise!”

Ex-wife Katie Holmes said she wishes Tom all the best in his search and that specifically looking for fellow scientologists is probably a good way to go. Holmes said, “Honestly, only a fellow Scientologist would find watching ‘Battlefield Earth’ every Friday night romantic. I tried to make it fun by yelling at the screen or drinking every time John Travolta did his cackled laugh but Tom was pretty serious about the film. I’m not sure how anyone could take it seriously. I’d say it was his dyslexia but he claimed Xenu cured him of that years ago…”

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.