Chuck Norris To Save America From Darkness If Obama Reelected

Chuck NorrisThis week, “Walker, Texas Ranger” star Chuck Norris released a television ad with his wife, warning Americans of the dangers of reelecting Barack Obama. In the TV spot, Norris’s wife Gena warned us that reelecting Obama would be a “triumph of evil” and will send us into “a thousand years of darkness.” Today Norris announced that should Obama be reelected, he would personally take it upon himself to protect American from the coming apocalypse.

BS Gossip asked Norris how Obama’s reelection would create an apocalyptic America that we’d need saving from. He said, “If he’s reelected, his Muslims friends from Kenya will obviously take over the country. People won’t be able to protect themselves because he’ll have taken away all of our guns. Then the sun will explode, fire will rain from the sky and Satin himself will rise upon the Earth. Good thing I’m planning to stick around huh?” We asked him how Obama’s reelection would cause all of that to happen. He yelled at us and said, “You know! Taxing the rich and socialism! That’s just baiting the devil, don’t you think?”

When we asked the 72-year-old actor how he would personally save America from the apocalypse, he said, “I’m friggin’ Chuck Norris! Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell stories about me! I have a grizzly bear rug in my home. But the bear isn’t dead… it’s just afraid to move! I’ve already been to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life up there! And you know they named a street after me but it was changed ‘cause nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!”

We told Chuck Norris, who was reading off of his iPhone, that we knew he was just reciting “Chuck Norris Facts” from the internet. He told us, “Yeah, so what? They’re facts – that’s why they’re called ‘Chuck Norris FACTS!’” Looking at his phone he said, “I don’t flush the toilet. I scare the s—t out of it!” Realizing the man was sadly losing it, we walked away from him as he yelled, “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris! I can never have a heart attack because my heart isn’t foolish enough to attack me! For God sakes, I’m the reason Waldo is hiding!” Running after us, Norris tripped and fell to the ground. We didn’t reach out our hand to help him up because according to Norris himself, he once shook a pirates hand… and that pirate is now known as Captain Hook.

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