Johnny Depp Splits with Vanessa Paradis… to Wed Tim Burton

Depp and BurtonBoth happy and sad news are being reported in Hollywood today. The sad news is that after fourteen years and two kids together, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are separating. The happy news is Depp now plans to marry Tim Burton!

After years of being one of the most powerful couples in Hollywood, President Barack Obama’s change of heart on legal same-sex marriage has finally prompted Depp to leave longtime partner Paradis to marry Burton, who he calls his soul mate.

When asked how much he loves Burton, Depp replied, “I’d do anything for him. ANYTHING! Whether he wants me to paint my face white, scotchtape knives to my fingers or sing ballads while slitting a man’s throat in a barber chair, I’ll do it! And I’ll tell you that sure does spice things up when we role play!”

Burton, who has also left his long-time partner, Helena Bonham Carter, is planning to throw an elaborate wedding. He told us, “I’m thinking lots of 3D cardboard cutouts for decorations and we’ll have a real macabre themed event. Since our split was amicable, I’d love to have Helena be part of the ceremony, maybe even share a passionate kiss with Johnny to show her support. My good friend Danny Elfman is on top of all the music and tells me he’s planning something with lots of drumbeats for our walk down the aisle. As for Johnny, I’m not sure why, but I think he would look terrific with his face painted white. All in all, it will be a very original event like no one has ever seen! Did I mention Michael Keaton is going to be my best man?”

Obama’s new stance on same-sex marriage is expected to result in more Hollywood pair-ups, including a gangster-themed wedding for Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro and a quirky low budget ceremony for Wes Anderson and Bill Murray.

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