Adam Sandler Pledges To Only Make Bad Movies Going Forward

Adam SandlerExecutives at Sony Pictures may not have been smiling after “That’s My Boy” came in fifth in its first weekend in theaters and brought in a measly $13 Million, and they sure weren’t after hearing Adam Sandler’s new business plan – to make only bad movies going forward.

Sandler told us that like James Cameron’s recent announcement that he will only make “Avatar” movies going forward, he’s moving ahead with what people expect from him – only bad movies. He explained, “I made a couple great films in my career. But people don’t go to Adam Sandler movies to see intelligent and sophisticated films like ‘Jack & Jill’ or ‘Little Nicky’. They want poop jokes. And fart jokes. And more poop jokes. And from here on out, that’s what they’re going to get.”

Sandler is already planning his next stinker, “Been There, Dung That,” about a father of two who switches bodies with a dog turd. “It’s going to be especially terrible,” Sandler told us, “since this happens just after his wife dies. He needs to train the turd how to be the great dad he never was so it can take care of his sons while he lies rotting on the front lawn of their home.”

And just in case that’s not a big enough bomb, Sandler is planning to voice the title character in a stop-motion animation Christmastime retelling of “Citizen Kane.” In this family-friendly comedy, Kane will be a walking and talking “Candy Kane” who mutters the word “rosebud” before he is eaten by a child. The other characters will be portrayed as California Raisons. Sandler said, “I told myself that if I wanted my future films to be even more hated than my previous ones, I’m going to have to start destroying the classics. I’m planning to butcher a remake of ‘Casablanca’ next.”

Sony Pictures CEO, Michael Lynton, is excited about working with Sandler on his downward spiral into Hollywood hellfire. “It’s always an eye opener working with Sandler. Sure, I wish he wanted to make better movies that would actually make us money rather than suck us dry but Hollywood has been making bad business decisions and bad films to retain relationships with its stars for years. Why would we stop now?”

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