Archive for May 2012

Man Fired After Coming up Blank for SW & the Huntsman Porn Spoof Title

Snow WhiteUp until recently, Derek Kwasky had one of the easiest jobs in America. He worked for Asme Adult Entertainment Inc. and his official title was “Movie Title Creator.” It was Derek’s job to come up with titles for all of Asme’s films, which were all spoofs of Hollywood blockbusters. But after 22 years of instantly being able to spew out multiple suggestions for porn spoof titles, he came up blank for the porn version of Snow White and the Huntsman.

Kwasky’s boss, adult film producer Tyrone Small, explained. “Snow White and the Huntsman was announced by Universal almost two years ago. Usually Derek would come up with a title in ten seconds flat. For Forest Gump, he came up with ten suggestions in less than a minute. We eventually went with Foreskin Gump. He was awesome at his job but for some reason, he had problems with Snow White. But in the adult movie industry, the title is often slapped onto the film after the movie is completed so Derek had over a year to come up with a title. But he just couldn’t do it.”

Small said that Kwasky had come up with hundreds of titles Read the rest of this entry »

Mel Gibson’s Hateful Rant Against Damn Shoes

Mel GibsonFormer respectable actor Mel Gibson has once again been recorded spouting hate speech. His target this time? Shoes!

The incident, caught on iPhone video by a tourist, occurred yesterday at the Santa Monica Pier. Gibson was strolling down the boardwalk eating a vanilla ice cream cone (he’s not partial to chocolate) with a friend. Sources say Gibson’s anger was sparked when three men walked by in a row wearing Crocs. He turned to his friend and yelled, “What the hell is with those damn shoes? Everywhere you go in California, you can’t get away from them! Those f—ing shoes are everywhere!”

A witness said, “It was really crass. It’s obvious that he’s been holding in his hatred for those shoes for a long time and something in him cracked and he let all of that hatred out.”

The video recorded Gibson ranting for over five minutes. He turned towards his speechless friend and yelled, “Those f—ing shoes are practically Read the rest of this entry »

Justin Bieber Assaults Photographer with Wet Noodle

Justin BieberAllegations are being made that teen singer Justin Bieber physically assaulted a man with a wet noodle. The unarmed paparazzi photographer claimed he was struck in the face with the noodle after he tried to take pictures of Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez.

The photographer explained the situation. “I spotted the little runt walking through the shopping center with his girlfriend, grabbed my camera and started snapping pictures. All of a sudden, I felt something slimy slap my left cheek. At first I thought a piece of silly string had fallen off the ceiling but then I saw the Bieber kid holding this long wet noodle. Who does that? If you have a problem with me, punch me like a man. Don’t hide behind soggy pasta.”

Sources say that Bieber has had prior experiences of hitting people with wet noodles. An incident in Richmond, BC, Canada is noted when he allegedly hit a fellow teen with a wet noodle at a laser tag park.

Earlier, on the day of the most current incident, Bieber had been taking boxing lessons with heavyweight champion Mike Read the rest of this entry »

Alicia Silverstone In Talks to Mouth-Feed Orphaned Birds

Alicia SilverstoneBack in March, Alicia Silverstone, the star of “Clueless,” shocked her fans when a video hit the web of her feeding her son by spitting chewed food into his mouth. While many people were grossed out, Jamie McLeod, founder and director of the Santa Barbara Bird Sanctuary, saw an opportunity for Silverstone to help birds in need.

McLeod confirms that she approached Silverstone about offering her unique services to help orphaned birds. McLeod explained, “Every week young birds are brought in and without a surrogate mother to feed them, not all of them can survive. When I saw the video of Ms Silverstone feeding her child, I immediately thought that she might be able to help feed orphaned birds.”

Silverstone is an outspoken animal activist and member of PETA so it’s no surprise that she drove to Santa Barbara the very next day to meet with McLeod. Mcleod said she was especially optimistic about an arrangement when Silverstone told her that not only does she feed her son by spitting chewed food into his mouth but also that’s also how she feeds all seven of her dogs. Mcleod said, “If she had no problems mouth-feeding her dogs, I didn’t Read the rest of this entry »

Miley Still a Virgin, Thinks “Insects” are Magical!

Miley CyrusMiley Cyrus is on the defensive again. After being seen smoking what looked like marijuana a year and a half ago, she fired back that she was smoking Salvia, a legal substance in the United States. Now, after an interview in which it appeared she said that “sex is magical,” she said she was referring to “‘sects”… as in “insects”.

Miley explains, “I’m not sure why the media thinks I was talking about sex. I’ve promoted abstinence until marriage for years… why would I change my tune now?” Miley says that she’s had a love of insects since she was a little girl so it amuses her that the media thinks she was referring to sex. “The media has an obsession with sex. I feel sorry for them.”

In her interview with Amanda de Cadenet, she was quoted as saying, “Girls who base how much they’re worth on the sexual favors they can do for somebody, that makes me really sad because sex is actually really beautiful.” But Miley still insists she was talking about ‘sects. “’Sectsual favors are when girls do lurid things to men with insects and it’s really quite disgusting because most of the time, the outcome for the Read the rest of this entry »

Internet to Stop Reporting TV Spoilers Until Kevin Cleans out his DVR

TelevisionIt was just after midnight on Wednesday evening when the tragic event occurred. Kevin, a 22-year-old student painter living in Seattle, Washington had logged onto Twitter and saw Entertainment Weekly’s results from the “American Idol” finale. Completely irate, Kevin went into the article and posted the following in the comment section: “Don’t post friggin’ spoilers until I’ve cleaned out my DVR dammit!”

When (Entertainment Weekly) Executive Director Sanam Lari read the comment, she broke down in tears. She explained, “We at EW pride ourselves at recapping the hottest TV shows on our website immediately after the shows air, however, our intension was never to spoil the show for anyone and Kevin has brought this to our attention. I understand what Kevin is going through as a coworker accidentally shared a spoiler for the season two finale of ‘Wings’ Read the rest of this entry »

What sunk the Battleship Movie? The Fantastic Board Game!

The big budget film “Battleship” brought in disappointing numbers in its debut weekend playing in North American theaters. It came in second after “Marvel’s The Avengers,” which in it’s third weekend brought in more than double what the board-game based action-flick had. Universal Studios, defending the quality of their alien-war ship film, claimed they don’t think any film could have overcome “The Avengers” in it’s third week.

However, Hasbro, the toy company that owns the rights to the board game, had another theory. Hasbro President and CEO Brian Goldner laughs off the notion that superheroes kept audiences away from the board game adaptation. He claims that audiences had a better reason to stay at home rather than go to the movie theaters to see “Battleship” – they were too busy playing the fantastic board game. Goldner explained, “Universal may want to blame another movie, but the truth couldn’t be more clear; families were too busy bombing each other’s battleships at home to go to the theater to watch someone else do it for them.” Goldner explained that Universal has been advertising the movie for months and while Read the rest of this entry »

Trump Demands to See Arsenio Hall’s Birth Certificate

Arsenio HallAfter crowning him the winner of Celebrity Apprentice on Sunday Night’s live finale, Arsenio Hall couldn’t say enough nice things about the man who “hired” him. However, before the first episode was shot, tension between the two was fiery. A few months ago, Hall had said, “We were two days away from shooting the first episode when Trump’s people demanded I present my birth certificate. They told me the request had gone out to all contestants but when I texted (fellow contestant and comedian) Adam Carolla, he said that wasn’t true.” Hall personally went to Trump headquarters to ask the big man himself why he needed to see his birth certificate. “Mr. Trump told me that I had put on my application that I was born in Cleveland, Ohio but his ‘experts’ told him I was born in Zimbabwe. That’s total bulls**t! I’ve never even BEEN to Zimbabwe….who are these so-called ‘experts’? Trump said he didn’t want to have a liar on his show, which I of course took great Read the rest of this entry »